Tova Parker shares the valuable lessons and truths she learned throughout her diagnosis and treatment of Stage 3 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Read on to learn how she protects her energy, keeps from tiring out, and what the hardest lesson of all was. Through it all, she never forgot her true authentic self.

Our Baddie x 2 series is an intimate moment in time grasping the interaction between two baddies as they discuss being diagnosed, survivorship, and everything that comes in between. We hope that you enjoy this series and that it sparks a dialogue amongst the breast cancer community.

Interview with breast cancer survivor, Tova Parker as told to Baddie Ambassador, Keneene Lewis

She stays on the go; when you are able to catch up with her, you will quickly realize that she is very relatable, down-to-earth, and so cool. When I asked her to connect with me for this interview, I was thankful that I was able to catch her while she was getting in her run before a work trip. I never know where our conversation and interactions will go; nonetheless, I am ready for the ride! Tova was one of the newest additions in the second cohort of For The Breast Of Us (FTBOU) Baddie Ambassadors (BAs). I remember when I met her at the BA retreat in Orlando in May 2021.

Prior to the retreat, we hadn’t interacted outside of me welcoming the new cohort of Baddies. Everyone was interacting and getting to know one another. One of my favorite memories of her, which I was able to catch on video, is of her laughing on the floor about an inside joke that she shared with some other BAs. My Sis was laughing with her whole heart. One of those long overdue laughter scenarios that will bring tears to your eyes.

This was a prime example of what it is like to be surrounded by others affected by this horrible disease. Within minutes, there was so much laughter and conversations going on amongst all of the women. Connections were made within the first hour. Tova and my bond continued to grow over the time spent together that weekend. One love language that we share is flicking it up everywhere that we went in Orlando: house, restaurant, photo shoot location, walking down the street, etc. The BA retreats help to establish and secure connections amongst all of us women of color affected by breast cancer.

To have a friend in Tova is to be inspired, encouraged, & celebrated without her even really trying. She will hold you accountable when you slip up or fall short. She is there as a shoulder to lean on to discuss the struggles that come with being a Black woman, mother, and a friend. In the ninth installment of our amazing series, Baddie x 2: Growth through Conversations, I was able to catch up with the amazing Baddie Ambassador, Tova Parker.

Q&A Tova Parker

Hey Sis! Thank you for your time and the willingness to share your experience. How did you
hear about For the Breast of Us (FTBOU)?

The first contact that I had was through Marissa. It was after I shared my blog (@prettysic), and somehow, she commented on something I posted. This interaction occurred later, after active treatment. I believe that you find out about things when you need them. By connecting with FTBOU, it has helped to magnify my advocacy reach.

How has FTBOU supported you?

Everyone has an opportunity to grow and share their experiences. FTBOU has given me the structure, foundation, and educational background to come to the table. Also, FTBOU has connected me to organizations to help me grow, support, and become a leader in this space. It allows me to be my true authentic self in this space without me altering myself. No pretenses. Just be, Tova! It is OK to just be myself and be a light for others.

What is your favorite part about being a FTBOU Baddie Ambassador?

Shock value. Being able to be as culturally relevant as we are. People see us and see a home for them here. FTBOU is the HBCU of the Breast Cancer community. FTBOU instills and empowers each of us to sit at any table.

What is your favorite memory with FTBOU?

The BAs singing along to Lauryn Hill’s remake of the Lori Lieberman (but better known by Roberta Flack) song, “Killing Me Softly,” at the first retreat. I can’t unsee it. It was organic. Serves as a reminder of community and sisterhood. This is the “why.’” It was like attending the first HBCU homecoming.

What year were you initially diagnosed?

December, 2019.

What was your initial diagnosis?

Stage 3 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) TNBC

What age were you when you were diagnosed?

41 years old.

What is your current treatment plan?

I do not have an actual treatment plan. I have a surveillance plan. I get annual scans and labs two times per year. Prior to this year, it was quarterly scans and labs. Dr. Shahin is Middle Eastern. He looks at everything ethnically. He looks at all of my stats universally. He just doesn’t look at numbers and move from there. He sees the whole person. His patients get his time, options offered, etc.

Dr. L.T. is a Jewish doctor. She took the time to learn me. She would have everything ready that she thought that I would potentially ask. The first day that we met, she gave me her cell phone number and said that I should text with any questions. Then there was Houston Methodist and MD Anderson (second opinion). I felt like a number at MD Anderson and was given less than the standard of care; it was near my home.

What is one thing that you wished you were told before treatment?

I had organized access to information. I was never in a position where I lacked information to make decisions. I wish that someone would have told me that I was going to be my biggest challenge. I am used to being the person in control and making decisions. I learned that lesson repeatedly until the end of active treatment. I was not in control. Through the lesson, that growth, I don’t know if I would have gotten that lesson without all of this.

I truly live life in the moment. That was the hardest thing for me—live in the moment. What is giving you joy right at this moment? Do this. This is why I go so hard in the advocate space.

Did you lose your hair? How did you manage this?

I have always been one of those women who prescribed to my hair being an essential part of my look. Going through that, a layer was shredded for me. It was the most vulnerable, free, and beautiful that I have ever been. This is 100% me. Afterwards, when my hair started growing back, I didn’t give a shit! I do what I want to do, and I don’t care.

I am still free. I wear wigs, ponytails, natural…whatever I want. I appreciated myself with no hair, after it grew out, and in the “now’.” When you think of Tova, I am 100% authentic. I don’t know how to be anything else. I try very hard to be a kind person. I am not perfect, but I am trying. I do it with good intentions and from a good place. It is important to give back and help others.

What advice would you give on how to best support a loved one going through breast cancer?

It is very important to be an active listener. I think that there are different ways to give empathy to an individual: Standby mode (observing but not doing anything more), smotherer (“I am here for you. Let me help”), sharing their experiences, being an active listener and a standby empathetic (acknowledges and understands that it is difficult; “let me know how I can help”).

Check in authentically. Present things that you know that they like/love without them asking. Hearing what this person needs. What was their norm before BC? Sending groceries, a meal, downloading a movie or book in advance. Knowing them to send a greeting card; simply because you know the person loves it. It allowed me to be grateful at a time that was convenient for me. Feel the love on my time and when I was in a good space to receive it.

What physical changes happened after being diagnosed with breast cancer?

Pie face after taking steroids. My Dr. told me to get ready to gain weight during my clinical trial. Gained weight due to steroids. Fingernails and toenails, they turned black and lifted but never detached.

Survivorship/Thrivorship, what does that mean to you?

Super-thriver. It means living life out loud, in technicolor, and unapologetically. Living for this moment and how I want to live. Authentically, deliberately, & intentionally. I am active despite that disease and I am still here. We as WOC have to survive/thrive on many different levels, sometimes to the point where we can’t slip up.

How tired are you from just thriving?

Have you had to deal with insensitive comments from family/strangers?

Yes. My favorite one: This woman was in the gym during my second treatment. I am doing what I can do—going one mph on the bike. She walked over to me and said that if you want to burn some calories you need to move faster than this. I asked her, “How many chemo treatments did you do today?” The insensitivity by expressing her biases and assuming. Also, “It is only hair!” — a common comment from family.

Have you truly accepted your new normal?

I have, but it is not absolute value. It keeps changing. Being who I need to be today is different than who I need to be tomorrow. You have grown on so many different levels, Tova 1.0 has nothing on who you are today. What I am comfortable with is that I am accepting that in Tova 2.0. I had to get comfortable with not comparing 2.0 to 1.0 life…in all areas of my life. I have to be happy with who I am today…every day.

Has your anxiety increased since being diagnosed?

I was never an anxious person. I learned how to manage the anxiety that would creep up by controlling the “why”. Allowing myself to be OK with the position that I am in. I try to focus on the things that I know to be true and not dwelling on the things that I cannot control.

What does your mental healthcare look like for you?

No, thank you. Being OK with saying “No, thank you” and not explaining anything. We put ourselves in situations, offering our time, etc. Channel your inner (insert famous person here: Beyonce, J. Lo, etc.). It sets the expectations that I need specific items to thrive…and I am going to let you know how to receive me. It also serves as confirmation that you listened to me and took me seriously. Find those things that need to happen so that you can have the environment that you need to show up as your best self.

Protect my yes’s and make sure that they hear my no’s. Devote time to be grateful: my relationship with God, spending time with family and friends. I do self-care. Therapy–someone who isn’t vested in your situation from the outside. Be OK with stepping over the laundry basket, leaving dishes in the dishwasher, etc. Spend your 30 minutes wisely.

What complementary therapies have you tried?

I tried physical therapy right after my reconstruction. They had a cancer rehabilitation partnership. I tried acupuncture. I want to try it again because I am in this new head space. Cannabis gummies. I was so high, and it was too much for me. I can’t control the high.

Tell me about your support system?

I had a fairly large and extensive support system. Theo, my kids (Dahki & Sydney), and my mom. My aunt is a caregiver by nature. Friends and colleagues.

Did breast cancer have any positive and/or negative effects on your marriage?

Negative—there was so much focus on the cancer. It was that porcelain doll mentality; I may break her…that was my perception/experience. Positive—it reinforced our relationship. We were friends first from college and we leveraged that to get through it. Hindsight—I would be more deliberate on putting the focus on Theo while in treatment. I would have celebrated him more and showed him how appreciative of him that I was/am. Showing him through his preferred love language.

What parts of old YOU are still a part of YOU today?

Authenticity.

What are your favorite parts about the new YOU that the old YOU didn’t have?

The ability to choose when I am going to engage or respond. With growth, I have learned to protect my energy and space. It isn’t a requirement to respond.

What are three things you would tell someone who was just told that they have breast cancer?

Breathe. Go to www.breastofus.com. Remember what you are and what you have in your life. A lot of times, we don’t bring strength to the situation. Bring all of the things that you have been able to do in your life that will positively affect the situation.

Why do you feel it is important for us to reach out to your culture?

It is important because people need to see a manifestation of what is possible. When we are out there and have grown through it ourselves. By thriving, people know that it exists, and manifested to the other side. Stats do not inspire. We need to see people living, thriving, growing, etc.

How do you want to make your mark in the breast cancer community? What are you still hoping to accomplish?

I would like for people that are impacted by breast cancer to know that even in this space it is OK for you to be you, even if you are loud or quiet, as long as you get the skills you need to be empowered so you can advocate for yourself. It looks like all different kinds of things…there is no mold. I would like for people to know that ain’t nothing special about me, so you can do it too.

If you were to write a blog about yourself tomorrow, what would the title be?

I said that I am not going to do it, but I did it again! I think that it is important to see individuals as flawed human beings. It is not going to happen overnight. Every day, I would show how fucked up my day was and how I learned from it.

What was your theme/go to song during your treatment?

“Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill

What is something that you want to tell the lawmakers/change makers?

I would say replace my face with your daughter’s face and see if evokes the same emotion. They care about this disease when it is a white girl.

What is one question you would ask someone if you were conducting this interview?

What is your why? Everybody’s why is different. A lot of times people will answer simplistically. My why is because I do not want anyone that looks like me to feel like they are unimportant and undeserving of a healthy life. Undeserving—no insurance, not smart enough, no childcare, “I don’t have…”, etc.

How can our readers connect with you?

Currently, you can reach her via email: tova@prettysic.com

When she comes back to social media:
IG: @prettysic

I cannot listen to Meek Mill’s, “Dreams and Nightmares” without reminiscing of Tova and her son getting live at the For the Breast of Us’ Inaugural Sneaker Ball: We Run This Gala, in Houston, TX. I cannot reminisce without thinking of how we find a space to be just she and I, taking pictures, recording videos, catching up, and just observing the landscape of the Baddies together. We have the type of friendship and sisterhood that is free of requirements. We connect when we connect, that unspoken thing. No love is ever lost during that time or space where we haven’t had a moment to catch up.

I am looking forward to the next time we link and cannot wait to see what we come up with in that space. Tova, I know that the words that you shared here will have residual effects on the reader. They will get gems that sustain and amplify their focus on their breast cancer experience. I cannot wait to see what Tova 3.0 learns about herself and how she will choose to show up in the world.