Shopping for swimsuits can be an ordeal for even the most body confident person. Imagine what it is like for a person that has lost their breasts.

My first adventures into swimsuit shopping post-mastectomy are during the time of Corona, which means there are no dressing rooms available to try suits on, inside of shops.

This feels a bit like a blessing and a curse.

I do not know anyone that enjoys the average clothing store dressing room experience, but because I have a new body shape, I did not really know where to start with different types of suits. This has resulted in multiple trips to the store, and a lot of fingers crossed that suits ordered online will have some semblance of a good fit.

Before I started my mini-shopping spree, I spent some time researching post-mastectomy bathing suits online. The bulk of what I saw trended toward the matronly and had cups/pockets sewn in for breast forms or prosthetics. I do not wear prosthetics and have no plans to start – I know I am not alone in this thinking.

Target had recently announced the launch of a post-mastectomy swimsuit line, but I was disappointed that most of the suits still had a pocket or cup that would not sit nicely flat on my chest without a prosthetic.

I decided to just dive in (pun intended) and start picking out different styles of suits that appealed to me and not think too much about how it would fit.

I bought one-pieces with plunging necklines and some with modest high necks and strategically placed ruffles. I was overwhelmed by the choices in tankinis but tried a few that had interesting cutouts and details. I was not inclined to look at very many of the bikinis at first but convinced myself that I had to at least try a few out.

I did this shopping in bursts. Buying 3-4 suits, then returning them to the store.

It took a few trips to narrow down what I was comfortable in, and what looked good under my critical eyes. I thought I would be more comfortable covered up, but I found the opposite. The suits I liked the most were the bikinis.

It was a complete switch in how I looked at my body that I did not realize was happening this whole time.

Pre-cancer me was body positive, but I thought of my body in a mostly utilitarian way. Clothes were primarily functional, and my motivations for looking “nice” were driven mostly by what other people would think.

When I look at my body now, I see its strength, and the scars are a marker of experience – which I find beautiful!

My body is like a sculpture or art piece now, with an interesting and different shape. I do not fit into the mold of a typical woman, and I am enjoying how that has released me from so many societal expectations about women’s appearances.

I am never going to be the “ideal” body type, so why should I put the pressure on myself to try and fit that mold?

I go my own way.

My scars tell my story, and I am not inclined to hide them.