Droopy.

Squishy.

Misshapen.

Bloated.

Marked.

Uneven.

Unattractive.

Old.

All together, busted.

I have had these thoughts about my body for as long as I can remember.

I measured my worth as to how people saw me – and I always assumed people saw me at my worst, which I did. Having kids only added to my negative views of my body, with pregnancy attacking all the areas that I felt were supposed to make me more attractive as a woman.

I think of all the years wasted, worrying about how people perceived me.

All the friendships I missed out on.

The romantic relationships I put needless energy into.

All the parties and outfits and opportunities to do new things I missed out on.

All because I thought my body was not good enough – for me or the world.

I am not glad I got breast cancer. But I do believe had it not shaken up my world I would not have made the changes I needed to make me be a happier person.

Breast cancer literally and figuratively cut me down and built me up.

It forced me to see the “real” directly in front of my eyes, not the things my mind made up for me to see. When I received my diagnosis, I felt as if my body had betrayed me. I know now that no one’s body looks or acts perfectly. I remind myself that even with seven pregnancies, my body delivered five healthy children that I was able to feed, from my own body.

My body got me through the side effects of chemo and radiation.

I was fortunate to wake up every day for a year of my life and keep going.
I still sometimes look at my scars and wish to hide them. I am still working on that almost four years later.

I spent Labor Day at the beach with another #BreastCancerBaddie – thinking about wearing a swimsuit started to bring up all my old insecurities.

I noticed my BCB’s scars and I thought they were beautiful!

She was full of confidence.

She rocked those swimsuits like nobody’s business!

If I love the way she looks, why can’t I have Iove or the way I look?

I missed out on Hot Girl Summer two years in a row. Best believe next summer I am singlehandedly bringing it back!