What are your breast cancer stats?

I was diagnosed at the age of 49 in June 2019. I was stage III invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. My care plan was chemotherapy, mastectomy, and radiation.

What type of breast surgery did you have and how did you come to that decision?

I had a single mastectomy with an expander placement. I only had the mastectomy on the affected side since there is no guarantee that the second breast would be affected.

How do you feel about your body post cancer?

When I look at myself I don’t see me. I just see a person.

My long hair is gone.

My breast is gone.

I am overweight by 30 pounds.

My radiation burns are visible when wearing a v-neck. I’ve done my best to remind myself on a daily basis that all that has changed is temporary.

But is it really?

The lymphedema reminds me I am limited and have to ask for assistance. Sometimes, I use humor to keep from being too critical of myself. I often use references such as I feel like Sally from A Nightmare Before Christmas because of all of the stitches. Or even Penny from Good Times when her mother burned her with an iron — that’s what my radiation print resembles.

A year into this journey, my body has shown me how strong it is, repairing itself from so many surgeries and so many drugs. But I can see that I am becoming healthier. My hair is coming in, although a little thinner and that is an accomplishment that brings me joy.

How did the breast surgery impact my body image?

Initially with the mastectomy, when I woke up I was happy. The plastic surgeon placed the expander and even though it was uncomfortable, it made me feel like I had a chance to look pretty in my clothing again. But that was short-lived as I needed radiation and it had to be removed.

Now two months post-radiation, I have a prosthetic breast. It is quite heavy so I only wear it when I feel I need to. But still being a little self-conscious because of the excess weight, I make sure NOT to wear anything tight or form-fitting. Loose and flowy is the way for me right now. Because of my failed expander placement, it left me a bit self-conscious. I was previously a 38 DDD, so it was hard to hide being lopsided. I was stuffing my bras until the insurance allotted me the prosthesis.

How did you bring back your sexy or did it never leave?

Sexy? I never considered myself sexy even prior to this. But I had enough confidence to feel okay naked. Now, I try to wear cute lacy tops to try to cover up when in front of my significant other. Even though he says he could care less, I care.

Prior to this, I’ve always been my worst critic. So to get a handle on things, I’ve scheduled myself a boudoir session. I’ve noticed that the lens always seems to capture a side of me that I never see in myself. The lens makes me feel sexy. I am looking forward to having that feeling again! I also feel sexy in lingerie.   

What do you know now, that you wish you knew before?

Had I known of the complications I would have experienced with the expander, I would have chosen to go without. I am using my own body tissue to rebuild anyway.

Why do you feel it is important for women of color to see images of themselves in all stages of their breast cancer journey?

We need confirmation that we can fight this. We see plenty of women fighting but few ethnic women sharing their experience. We don’t have to fight alone. 

What advice do you have for other women struggling with their post-cancer body?

Sometimes the beauty is in the struggle. I think this forces us to appreciate ourselves from the inside. Because through it all we are still radiant.