I was always a sexual being; even as a child. I was very aware of pleasure before I maybe should have been. My high school and college relationships were few but meaningful. That is until I started my breast cancer.
As a young triple-negative breast cancer survivor, 15 years later, I treasure every moment I have — good or bad. Since the age of 33, I managed chemo, a failed lumpectomy, a mastectomy, delayed reconstruction (18 months), a revision, yearly mammograms, and colonoscopies thanks to family history. Not to mention all the other scares and health issues that led to me being unable to bear a child of my own.
No biggie; a decision I made prior to my cancer diagnosis, but the finality of something brings its own issues.
I was happily married while going through cancer treatment. My husband found support and resources before I was even ready. At one point, I shared with a co-worker that he and I actually become so much closer; our relationship transcended the normal married couple. We got through this – the rest of our lives were ahead.
And then, reality happened.
As I re-acclimated to work, we moved into a new house; as we began to build a new life, that’s when things got hard that’s when our intimacy began to be a problem.
I had become the patient; he became the caregiver. He saw me differently. Fragile. In pain. Suffering. All I wanted was to be loved in every way — to be a wife, a lover, a sexual being. Even with one breast; even with a torso full of scars; even with numbness; even with one nipple.
After a few years of couples’ therapy and individual counseling, antidepressants and negative behaviors, that relationship ended. As hard it was and how much we still cared for each other, it had to end. We were different people who wanted different things out of life beyond the bedroom.
After our separation, I sought out first dates and even some hookups. I had some short term relationships, too. All in an effort to assure myself that I was still beautiful; still desirable; still sexual. Even with all my scars. Even with one nipple.
Today, I am in the midst of remembering when I began treatment 15 years ago. Today, I have a new love. Someone who saw me as a beautiful woman; not a breast cancer survivor. He felt something the moment we met the old fashioned way. He bought me a drink.
At one point in my life, I was bald, weak from chemo, missing a breast, and burned from radiation. And now I am so happy. More than I could have ever imagined. For those embarking on the cancer journey, I can’t stress enough how amazing life will be once you are on the other side. Even when you are in the darkest moment and just can’t go another day, it’s about remembering who you once were and then transforming into who you want to be.
The sky is the limit.
